This all started when I noticed a hard lump, which was like a blood clot pinching at one of my veins in of all places, my fucking dick. Now see, I’m comfortable with penis I am, no insecurities there, so when this started to happen, naturally, I went into meltdown mode; like, I was freaking the fuck out! The timing of this couldn’t have been any worst either, as the Dr Andreas Noack “Razor Blade” theory was doing its rounds online… and weirdly, this little lump I had, was hard like a razor it was. I tried squeezing it as well, and it wasn’t like a normal blood clot, as I could feel it cutting into my vein as I pressed it.

Now I didn’t panic about it at the start, until it started getting bigger; which, bearing in mind, this little lump was inside a vein and restricting blood flow to the tip of the penis which meant I was losing feeling quite rapidly if you get my drift. 

Now see, this is where I got puzzled, because I didn’t take the shot and have kept interactions at a minimum… kind of. I’ve not even had a covid test. I was kind of sat there like… ehhh, what kind of fuckery is going on here?  Then it all come back to me, 6 weeks previous I ended up round someone’s house, and I ended up being a bit hooey. Whisky was drunk and clothes were removed okay. Yet, this realisation prompted me to open WhatsApp and message my little rendezvous and see about their vaccination status. Then low and behold, two and a half months before that night they got vaccinated.

Instantly I was like, the little fucker has given me Covid. Really though, I shouldn’t have been that stupid in the first place, so really I gave it to myself if i did have it; but does Covid even exist though? Dear god this is a hard time to be alive.

Anyway, so after hearing enough horror stories about people’s ovaries falling out, testicles blowing up, and well, people just straight up dropping dead I found enough ammunition to go into full breakdown mode.

Ironically, the person I messaged was just like “Oh I’m fine, so I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about”. Reading this all the while slowly rocking on my chair thinking razors blades are going to eat me up from the inside. I wasn’t that convinced I was going to be okay; I’m not going to lie.

See, it wasn’t just about the lump either, as I was starting to get a fever, and pains in my upper abdomen. Instinctively, I started consuming lots of lemons, drinking plenty of water and yet this was doing nothing, and in fact making the situation worst. (*Turns out that excessive amounts of lemon or orange juice can negatively effect uric acid levels – more on this later)

So, like any irrational person than has advanced from google, must move forward to the NHS hotline. I got on the phone I did, and started calling the NHS hotline (found their number on google). Then this chap answered he did. We went through the usual security questions, and then he asked me what’s up. I didn’t really hold back, and just explained outright that I’ve got this weird blood clot on my penis, and it’s kind of hard. After a short awkward silence, I think he asked if I had any covid symptoms, and I explained about the fever and the abdomen pains. He just went on to say, this isn’t an emergency so I’m going to book you into the local GP. Before putting the phone down, he quickly asked… so why did you feel the need to call us at 3:30am and tell us about this? I really wanted to say I feel like I’m being eaten alive by razors, but I just opted for “my sleeping pattern is a little funny”.

I put the phone down, after it being implied, I should seek psychological help and just said… “well that was no fucking help was it”.

So back to Google I went, but then I thought, it’s time i step things up… DuckDuckGo it must be. I thought that if I’m going to figure this out, I’m going to have to do it by myself. I was convinced by the razor blade theory, and I decided to role with it.

For anyone that doesn’t know, Doctor Andreas Noack, a Graphene specialist outlined that the covid shots all contained something called Graphene Hydroxide. Which if this were true, there would be huge implications for people’s health, as Graphene Hydroxide can grow with a very mild electrical charge. Now, I was very much in the position to believe this theory, as that is exactly what was happening to me.

One thing Noack mentioned in his video, was that the Graphene Hydroxide cannot be broken down organically, which actually put me on the wrong path, and also leads to questions about the validity of the information he provided.

So anyway, I had a little sharp lump appear in an area where I keep my phone, sit my iPad or laptop. These all emit mild electrical currents which arguably would have an effect on any Graphene Hydroxide I had inside – assuming the theory is true of course. 

After coming to terms with this I started to search on how to break down Graphene Hydroxide. Something which kept on popping up was Hydrogen Peroxide. Which without evening thinking about it, I went into the bathroom to grab some Hydrogen Peroxide which I keep to flush wax out of my ears, and popped a couple of drops into a pint glass, and proceeded to fill to the top with water. I necked it in one go a did. Now, I’ll be honest, my teeth had not been that white for a long time, and I did notice that the hydrogen peroxide was having a mixed effect, which was mostly positive on the front of it. I have some tissue damage from a previous infection, which had some serious relief from the hydrogen peroxide. I was really excited about this… but what about that lump?

It was shrinking! It was getting thinner and thinner…. and SHARPER and SHARPER!

After a couple of days of kidding myself, thinking this was actually working, I started to get really bad headaches, and feelings of little razor blades moving aggressively through my blood stream. I couldn’t even lie down as my chest hurt so much.

Then it finally dawned on me, I’m doing something really wrong here and the balance is off.

It’s worth mentioning that over the last few years my relationship with food has been a difficult one, as I’ve found it hard to enjoy wheat, dairy and sugary drinks, as they would always lead to digestive issues.  Which of course, some would argue removing these would not be a bad thing. So due to this, I’ve done my upmost to remove these from my diet. Now I didn’t know until recently, but these foods are essential simply because they are acid forming foods. Most importantly… uric acid.

Now, if you go and type uric acid into Google it’s going to talk Gout, making it the top search result, which also makes it seem like uric acid is bad. As bad as high levels of uric acid can be, what is associated with low levels of uric acid? What’s the risks of having low levels of uric acid? Well, it turns out…

lower uric acid blood values have been associated with the following disorders in limited studies:

• Multiple sclerosis (MS) [2]
• Alzheimer’s disease (AD) [3]
• Huntington’s disease (HD) [4]
• Parkinson’s disease (PD) [4]

After coming to this conclusion, I finally realised that this hard lump, which could possibly be Graphene Hydroxide could be broken down organically using foods that I had been actively avoiding.

I searched for what foods caused your body to create uric acid, and would you believe its all the greatest junk foods of the world. Complex carbs, red meat and sugary drinks! The main one being, Coca Cola.

Now see there’s something special about full fat Coca Cola, as it contains all that energy in the form of sugar, and is also powered by something called phosphoric acid, which helps your body produce extra uric acid.

What I done, is started drinking full fat coca cola like it was holy water. Going through 2-4 litres a day. I also started eating lots of starchy foods and red meats… I was also taking 10 grams of L-Ascorbic Acid, some Zinc and some Vitamin D.

What do you think happened?

That little sharp lump disappeared it did!

In conclusion, it’s probably best we take everything on the internet with a pinch of salt. With asking the right questions and looking down the right paths, we can learn some special things about life… but this comes with the risk of validity. If one thing I’ve learnt from this, is that you cannot trust a single person, story or perspective online as that’s someone else’s truth, it’s not yours. I’ve even gone as far as to accept that the real world operates in very much the same way. People only show you what they want you to see.