Category Archives: Satire

Study Finds Anyone Still Wearing A Mask At This Point Is Probably Just Super Ugly

Via Babylon Bee

U.S.—A new study found that anyone still wearing a mask at this point is probably just super ugly.

The study looked at thousands of Americans still wearing masks and thousands who have long since thrown away all their masks. The findings were conclusive: the vast majority of people who still choose to wear a mask everywhere they go were much uglier than those who are currently blessing the world by letting everyone see their beautiful faces.

“Look, the vaccine is out there, numbers are way down, your risk of dying is very, very low — if you’re still wearing a mask at this point, let’s be honest: you probably have a very homely face,” said Dr. Vance Ryder, a very handsome doctor not wearing a mask. “You might have what we call a ‘face for radio’ in the business, if you know what I’m saying.”

“Like, let’s just be honest here. We’re not gonna judge you. If you want to keep wearing the mask because you have a sad, no-good, loser face, fine. No one is going to stop you. Just don’t keep pushing for mask mandates for those who have incredibly good-looking faces.”

The study also found that those who no longer wear a mask are tremendous, beautiful, “maybe the best-looking people of all time.”

Satire: Alien Invasion Dwarfs COVID-19 Hysteria

By John C. A. Manley

Note to our readers. This is a satire focussing on the “mysterious monoliths” which according to NASA is “paving the way for a full scale Alien invasion.” 

A recent CBC article, reported that another one of those mysterious monoliths appeared on New Year’s Eve in Toronto on the shore of Lake Ontario. 

It made me ponder whether these twelve-foot-tall, low-budget “crop circles” are the harbingers of a new attempt at tyrannical fear-mongering.

Screenshot CTV News

Indeed, I would not be surprised if Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau took to the airways with the following  message:

“I know we did our best to scare you with COVID-19. Sadly, the fact almost nobody knows anybody (under the age of 75) who died from this common cold virus really took away the fear-factor.

“So we are now working hard to scare you with stories of a new, more virulent mutation. But, quite frankly, I know we’ve called COVID a few too many times… So let’s forget about pandemic. Let us have a shot at another new normal scenario. I promise, this will really scare you into utter and complete submission.

“NASA has examined these monoliths appearing around the world and has determined they are paving the way for a full-scale alien invasion. Scientists assure us that these are not Steven Spielberg’s E.T. Instead, think Ridley Scott’s Aliens.

“Microscopic eggs from this reptilian race have already infested the world’s food supply. The WHO estimates 3.4% of people already harbour an alien fetus in their stomach, ready to burst forth and devour the its host and all those within six feet. For this reason, we strongly urge social distancing more than ever.

“These body hatchers are believed to thrive on oxygen. Henceforth, Canada’s Chief Public Health Officer is now recommending that all masks be made of pure plastic. We just can’t risk letting you breathe more than the barest amount of oxygen necessary to enable you to continue watching television.

“Furthermore, scientists have determined that water strengthens these extraterrestrial parasites. It is now your civic duty to avoid all forms of bathing and to only drink dehydrating coffee, soda and alcohol. For this reason, municipal water plants will be going into shutdown for the next twenty-eight days. In order to stay clean you need only rub your entire body with a Health Canada approved sanitizer (there not just for you hands!).

“In addition to oxygen and hydration, scientist also believe these gastrointestinal invaders survive off the very food you eat. For this reason, we now declare grocery stores as no longer an ‘essential’ business. They, too, will be closed for the next twenty-eight days —or as long as we deem necessary — to starve out this Martian parasite.

“While hunger may be more uncomfortable than wearing a mask, again we ask you not to be selfish. Think of those around who would be devoured when the alien predator inside you breaks through and begins hunting down the sick and elderly who are too slow to outrun it.

“You also probably have no money left anyway, after all those lockdowns. So by not eating for the next twenty-eight days, you’ll be doing your part to stop food banks from becoming overrun.

“As a last resort, we are already pumping trillions of dollars into building underground bunkers. At a preplanned time, which we won’t reveal until the very last moment, we will herd all of you into these subterranean chambers and seal the airtight doors. Our top eugenicists believe that complete oxygen starvation may be the only way to eliminate this invisible enemy.”

Of course, they would never do that, would they? And, even if they did, nobody would fall for that one. Or would they?

John C. A. Manley has spent over a decade ghostwriting for medical doctors, as well as naturopaths, chiropractors and Ayurvedic physicians. He publishes the COVID-19(84) Red Pill Briefs – an email-based newsletter dedicated to preventing the governments of the world from using an exaggerated pandemic as an excuse to violate our freedom, health, privacy, livelihood and humanity. He is also writing a novel, Brave New Normal: A Dystopian Love Story. Visit his website at: MuchAdoAboutCorona.ca. He is a frequent contributor to Global Research.